The Best I Ever Had

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Gordon Roqué — No Comments ↓

I can’t believe I’m about to publish this post, but maybe once in a while it’s good to put something out in the world that is honest, sincere, and real. So, here goes.

Twenty-four hours ago, my boyfriend and I of over a year broke up. It was an amicable parting of ways, but a parting of ways nonetheless.

Honestly, I feel like I fell off a boat and have been swimming away ever since. We built something, he and I. We built a home full of memories and shared experiences– cooking experiments, road trips, watching shows and movies together, adventurous dinners, laughter, long walks, hellos, and goodbyes. (He went with me to Memphis and Atlanta, consoled me when my father died, and celebrated my birthday.) The thing that made our home a little different was that it stretched over 400 miles. Ours was a long-distance relationship. As such, perhaps it was doomed from the start.

It’s a strange feeling having to deconstruct a distinct set of future possibilities. In the envisioning, in my dreaming, of what our shared lives would become I was seeing so many beautiful things. They’re fading away now, as they do in movies just before the end credits start to roll. I’m at that point where I’m still sitting in my theater seat listening to the film score and staring thoughtlessly at the big screen. A flock of little white letters start to float slowly upstream in the darkness. I sit there in a daze, wondering what the heck happened to the story after it all faded into black.

Twenty-fours hours ago, we agreed that we shouldn’t talk to each other for a while, maybe for a long while, until I’ve gotten enough space to move through this and beyond it. I think this is best because I know myself, and I will not be able to move on any other way.

There is a song that has been playing over and over in my head all these hours. The essence of this song lives in the foundation of the home we built. It exists completely in him.

I told him this last night, and through this song, I say it again . . .

I’m writing this post and playing this video because I want the world to know that I was part of something rich and amazing, that my life was once romantically linked to a strong, kind, and noble man. He gave me the best I could have ever hoped for in someone. He is a very noble man, one who I hope will find happiness and do great things in the years to come. I hope he will always know how much I admire him. How much I love him.

As for myself, some unknown shore awaits my arrival in the distant and unforeseeable future. Maybe it’ll be a floating island made of banyan trees and occupied by thousands of meerkats. Maybe it’ll be a place where I can lay down my feet for a little while, where I can dream of other possibilities and put my quiet sorrows to rest. Maybe there’ll be a piano there, somewhere, ready to roam with me.

I don’t know where I’m going, but I have the benefit of knowing where I’ve been. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

After I hit “Publish” on this post, I will go to bed. I can’t tell you much beyond that point, only that it feels like I’m re-starting my life over again, as I have many times before.

I’ll just keep swimming, I guess. Let the ocean carry me far far away, until I can stand up and be myself again. I know of no other option at this point.

It’s time to build a new home, for me. Somehow. Eventually . . . .

-Gordon

New Segments on WPR!

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Gordon Roqué — No Comments ↓

There are two new segments I wanted to add to my regular roster of posts here at WPR.

First off, there will be a new segment called Creativity. I want to discuss and explore the process of creativity across numerous platforms. In my case, I play piano, sing, perform shows, write songs, write poetry, run this blog, draw, take photos, knit, and do a bit of web design, and so the creative process seems to permeate through my entire life. How does the creative process differ between various forms of expression? How is it the same? How does one stay motivated and inspired? These are all questions I hope to find answers to. I’d also like to interview other creative people across various fields and see how they feel about what they do. This should be fun.

Secondly, I’ll be doing a new weekly segment called The Weekly Pic Pick. Over the last few years, I’ve been growing more and more interested in photography. Now that I have both a very good digital camera as well as a solid cell phone camera, I’ll be posting one new pic per week from my adventures out and about in my life. Whether it’s something striking, humorous, or just very editorial, I’ll be posting the best of what I’ve photographed every week.

These new segments, in addition to my book reviews (Reading Will Save the World), thoughts on current events, and posts about simplicity and simple living, will begin over the next couple of weeks.

What’s going on in your world?

My Thoughts on Gay Marriage

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Gordon Roqué — No Comments ↓

As a gay man, I’ve never quite known what to think about marriage. It has always been just something that was available to someone else.

Sure, I’ve fantasized about what my wedding could look like, but I’ve never believed those dreams.

I see other people, with their wedding rings and anniversaries and honey moons and government-approved benefits, but I’ve always stood outside of such an existence, applauding what they’ve done as I look on and keep my respectful distance.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in equal rights and justice, but when you’ve lived a life being told that you can’t be a certain way or do certain things, you can’t help but internalize the sorrow of what this means.

So, then, what is the sorrow of what this means?

It’s hard to eloquently answer this question even though I know the answer well. As such, I must refer to a voice that has paid a far greater price than I have.

To hear this voice, watch this:

Thank you for watching this video.

Now that you have heard this voice, what would you do if the life you lived with the one person you loved was discounted? Dishonored? Cruelly diminished?

All those memories. All that joy. AS IF IT NEVER HAPPENED.

What would you do if you couldn’t be at your own wife or husband’s funeral? Or even be there by their side during the final stages of life?

How would you stand it? For myself, the idea that someone could take this away from me is unimaginable.

I can tell you that I couldn’t stand it.

This would break my heart.

I don’t know if any amount of consoling could comfort this kind of experience.

This is the sorrow of what this means.

The struggle for marriage equality is not just about gay rights and marriage benefits.

It’s about respecting and protecting a person’s capacity to love someone.

By what god and what sense of justice does anyone have a right to lessen and weaken the love and life that someone else has bravely lived? Please answer this question for yourself, if you can. Painfully, I know that there are many answers to be given.

For myself, I can only walk my own path and carry the load that I carry. I look on at the happiness of others and truly wish them well, even though I may never really know what that kind of happiness feels like. This is the sorrow of what this means.

So there you have it. I stand in support of gay marriage. I stand by this because the sorrow of what all of this means is too heavy, too unbearable, a load to carry.

It’s the kind of load that will break me, and I do not ever wish to be broken.

-Gordon

A Birthday for Sophie

Posted on April 2, 2013 by Gordon Roqué — No Comments ↓

Back in January, Laurel, one of my best friends in the whole wide world, asked me if I could help decorate her adorable daughter Sophie’s 1st Birthday Party as well as do some photography. The venue was the fellowship hall of an old church in east Nashville. Dark hardwood floors, high ceilings, and a warm abundance of natural light were the raw materials to work with. With very little time and an even smaller budget, I helped pull something together that was colorful, sweet, and fun. Here are some photos from that wonderful day . . .

That’s right. I wanted the birthday table to be really girly and whimsical. Who would have thought that coffee filters and heart-shaped cookie cutters would do the trick?